Richard Ord: Another decade and another ‘great’ idea!

The new Dragons' Den line-up.
The new Dragons' Den line-up.

I’m enjoying a rare rush of money-spinning ideas.

My average is about one every decade. This decade’s doozy is, again, alcohol-related.

A range of bottled beers called ‘Inmoderation.’

Not the most catchy name I grant you, but then it is designed to get the wife and doctors off your back.

At my age, alcohol consumption is frowned upon.

How cool then, when asked how much you drink, to be able to put your hand on your heart and answer honestly: “I always drink Inmoderation.” (in moderation, geddit?)

It could develop into a range of doctor duping products. As part of this range, I’m thinking of bringing out a two-tier high calorie chocolate and cream cake. Its name? The Fiveaday.

Doctor: “Are you getting your five a day?”

Me: “Yes, I had it this morning.”

A chewing tobacco under the name Regularexercise.

“Do you take regular exercise?”

Every day. Usually before my Fiveaday.

How about a brand of high tar cigarettes called Fresh Air?

Fill your lungs with Fresh Air. Don’t mind if I do.

You could beat any polygraph test. And, if you have a wife like mine, lie detector tests may become a regular feature of married life.

I mentioned the doctor duping range was my idea of the decade. The last one was very similar.

I wanted to open up a bar called The Gym.

Wife: “Where you off to at this time of night?”

Me: “The Gym.”

When you return all red faced, sweaty and wobbly legged, it only adds to the credibility of the ruse.

Wife: “Hmm. And the traffic cone?”

Me: “It’s not a traffic cone, it’s a core balance massage roller. It helps loosen tight hamstrings.”

Wife: “Then why is it on your head?”

Well, I never said the ideas don’t have their flaws. Back to the drawing board.

The reason I came up with the idea was because I was asked what I want for my birthday. My doctor duping range would be great for the older man seeking a vice without recriminations.

Until I get the Dragons’ Den team to back me, looks like it’s slippers again this year.

What I won’t be asking for is the Exfoliating Foot Mask.

A work colleague revealed that she’d tried this odd product. Essentially, it’s like an exfoliating face mask, except you wear it on your feet. After it’s washed off, within a few days a layer of skin falls off your feet. A bit like a snake shedding its skin.

It got me thinking. 1) Stick the word beauty in front of anything and you can flog it. And 2) That shredded skin could be reused.

My currents slippers are a size 10, because my wife said they didn’t have nines.

If I buy her the Foot Mask and then wear her discarded foot skin like a sock, maybe my old slippers will fit? Make that my one for the decade...