Richard Ord: He’s got bobbies and zombies on the brain

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I see he’s been at it again. You know, that Corbyn bloke, and his mugwumpian tissue of whoppers.

This time the Labour party leader has come under fire for promising to put 10,000 more police officers on the beat.

Cue chorus of disapproval from the keyboard warriors, the like of which hasn’t been seen since he promised to celebrate St George’s Day and give the nation four bank holidays. What’s wrong with the man, has he got some sort of death wish?

And who, most people are asking, is going to pay for these uniformed protectors of the public? Does he have a magic money machine or a secret gold mine we know nothing about? (Ha, get out of that one Corbyn, you mutton head).

Turns out he’s going to get the rich to pay for the police by reversing capital gains tax cuts. Hmm, does he think I was born yesterday?

If Jeremy Corbyn thinks he can win my vote by giving me holidays, making me safer and getting the richest people in the land to pay for it, then he’s got another thing coming.

I’m not so easily bought.

My mother always told me to shop around, but the offering from the Conservatives has been a little lame.

From what I can gather, they are trying to woo my vote with the promise of “strong and stable leadership.” And they are offering as much “strong and stable leadership” as I can stuff in my gaping maw. They never shut up about it.

Strong and stable is all very well, but it doesn’t really get the pulse racing.

For strong and stable, read boring and predictable.

Describe yourself as “strong and stable” on a dating website and you’ll be given a wide berth.

That said, putting on your dating profile that you can get your hands on 10,000 policemen may be equally as off putting. Although ...

With Corbyn promising the moon on a stick for the electorate’s vote, it’s clear the other parties are going to have to up their game.

Votes, however, must be cast in the best interests of the nation, not fly-by-night promises that benefit only the individual. Though if any political party is willing to collect my dry cleaning next Thursday, and wash the family car, my vote is still up from grabs.

Just saying.

Politics is important, but it is not the only matter of national concern that has been occupying my thoughts of late. Zombies have reared their gnarled heads again. Thanks go to my brother-in-law who, on watching The Walking Dead, asked: Why doesn’t anyone travel by bicycle?

He’s got a valid point. Bicycles are fuel-efficient (the zombie apocalypse has caused a petrol shortage) and they are far quicker than walking and help distinguish ordinary people from the brain-sucking undead.

Seven series of The Walking Dead and still no bicycles! What are they not telling us?