RICHARD ORD: I’ve been swozzled by dictionary compilers

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Squee! The hardy annual that is the addition of new words to the dictionary appeared in the news this week.

And ‘squee’ has made it to the book of words.

For the record ‘squee’, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is an exclamation expressing delight or excitement. I’ve yet to hear anyone use it.

Certainly, I doubt anyone has jumped up and down and squealed “Squee!” at the prospect of finding out which new words have made it into the dictionary.

As a dad to two boys, I often find I have to invent words of my own to get my point across.

The latest one is ‘offum.’

It’s a short, sharp instruction usually directed at our Bradley, aged 15, when he gets his younger brother in a headlock.

Shouting: “Bradley please don’t grab your brother in a headlock and rub your knuckles on his head because it just antagonises him and causes more trouble,” is no good. Too long.

By the time I’ve got the whole sentence out, he’s already knuckled his brother and a full-on wrestling match has ensued in the kitchen.

A swift “offum” - the shortened version of ‘get off him’ - does the trick. Reinforced with a kick to the child’s backside, naturally.

Other words to the reach the Oxford English Dictionary are as equally baffling and unlikely. I mean, have you ever heard anyone use the word Yolo? Apparently it’s an acronym for ‘you only live once.’

And what about the addition of ‘gender-fluid’ to the dictionary? Now that’s a drink you really don’t want to taste. Gender-fluid? Make mine a half.

For the record, a gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois (don’t ask!), or any other non-binary identity. But I guess you knew that already!

One word that did make it into the Oxford English Dictionary that you may have heard of is ‘moobs.’

These are prominent male breasts. And if you have them and want to get rid of them, you should get yourself down to the gym for a vigorous ‘yogalates’ session!

Yep, ‘yogalates’ is a new dictionary entry. It’s a cross between yoga and pilates, obviously.

I reckon we could come up with better words than these. Here’s a couple I’ve thought of.

Tanglewoe - The feeling of despair and frustration you get when spending the first 15 minutes of a gym session trying to untangle your earphone wires so you can listen to The Jeremy Kyle Show on the only free cross trainer in the gym.

Swozzling - The desperate marketing strategy of bombarding news organisations with stories about new words being approved by dictionary compilers in an unsubtle bid to sell said dictionaries.

l If you have some made up words you want to share, I’d love to hear them. Send them to richard.ord@jpress.co.uk. The best will appear on this page ... and probably in the next Oxford Dictionary.