RICHARD ORD: On Bullseye and bedtime bullying

The remote was whipped from my hand and the channel surfing began.

And so it was that I missed the dramatic history-making US Masters victory of Sheffield golfer Danny Willetts. A classic heart-thumping rags to riches sporting triumph against the odds.

Do you know what we watched instead? An old episode of the TV quiz show Bullseye with Jim Bowen. (To be clear, we didn’t watch it with Jim Bowen. I know you’re visualising me, my wife and Jim “You can’t beat a bit o’ bully” Bowen under the covers. I know how your mind works. “Hands up, who’s for Bullseye?” my wife shouts. I’m outvoted two to one … again! To be clear, Jim Bowen was the host of the TV quiz show).

And we only watched that because my wife couldn’t find “that show about celebrities and the ghosts they’ve seen.”

Bullseye is great for showing how easily pleased we were as a nation in the 1980s.

A teasmaid, tumble-dryer and 14inch portable TV and we were anybodys. I’d urge you to watch it, if only to remind yourself of what people looked like before hair products.

They should do an update programme on Bullseye winners. I want to know what a couple from Selby did with their speedboat.

My wife, not surprisingly, has trouble sleeping.

So do I. But only because she keeps waking me up to tell me that she can’t sleep.

Of course, I am partly to blame. Apparently, I snore, fidget and, erm, breathe! All disturb her precious sleep.

Even when I don’t snore or fidget (the breathing is something I’m working on) she still has trouble sleeping.

“What can I do to get to sleep?” she asks.

“Try turning the TV off,” I say.

“No,” she tells me. “Watching TV helps me sleep.”

I’ve given up arguing.

I’ve also given up presenting her with the scientific evidence that shows watching TV in bed serves to stimulate the brain and thereby disturb sleep.

The National Sleep Foundation is very clear on how watching TV, particularly with all the lights on, interferes with sleep.

They advise turning the lights and TV off to help sleep. And don’t play the drums.

I added that last one, but the National Sleep Foundation is good at stating the bleedin’ obvious.

There’s no mention of closing your eyes to aid a good night’s sleep, but I reckon that’s a given.

My wife’s sleep is still not improving. I checked out the National Sleep Foundation’s website and it revealed that sex is good for sleep.

“It boosts oxytocin, a hormone that makes you feel connected to your partner, and it lowers cortisol, a stress related hormone. I turned down the lights, put a bit of Barry White on the record player and read out these sex and sleep facts.

She grabbed the TV control and said: “Okay, you win, let’s find this golf …”