RICHARD ORD: 'Loss of library book fines makes me eat my words'

He devours books like there's no tomorrow! Image created by AI tool Dall-e

Everyone has a book inside them,’ so the expression goes. Mine may be lodged in my lower intestine.

It’s not really, but it might as well be.

The book in question has nothing to do with my potential to write one, but the very real one I borrowed from my local library.

As regular readers may remember (‘hi Mam’), I borrowed a book from the library and then received a polite email pointing out that it was overdue.

In a strange plot twist, the email was at pains to point out that I would not be fined for the overdue book because they now no longer issue fines. As a warning shot across the bows, it was as effective as firing a cannon at me, only for a large flag to appear out of the barrel to reveal the word ‘BANG!’ in big red letters. There is no penalty for failing to return a library book.

And yet, the non-threat of not being fined for failing to return the borrowed tome had the required effect. I returned it that day.

Well, I say ‘returned’, what I did, in fact, was ‘renew’ my borrowed book.

Reading is vital, don’t you think? It expands your knowledge, increases your vocabulary, enhances critical thinking, and helps develop your creativity and imagination. Not mine, of course. Yours. My reading is just for show.

While I’m a regular at my local library, it turns out the sole reason for my trips there are to renew the same book that I haven’t finished.

By the last visit, the records show that I’ve had the same book out now for NINE months. It’s been like giving birth.

My bookmark is on page 180. Which means I’ve been racing my way through this ripping yarn at the rate of less than a page a day.

I’m learning nothing, but at least I’m getting out and about every few weeks to renew the book. So slow is my progress that I’ve forgotten the plot and now, when I pick up the book, I don’t know who the characters are.

It’s not really nourishing my mind or expanding my knowledge. I’d probably get more out of the book if, instead of reading it, I ate it. At least that would achieve something.

‘Everyone has a book inside them Richard.’ Yes, I know, I ate one this morning. It tasted a little bitter!

PS. In case you're wondering, which I’m sure you are, the book is a true classic, the timeless masterpiece… Fly Fishing, by JR Hartley.