How I put my finger on the extraordinary cost of going to the dentist

The dentist always seems like an expensive outing, but then what do I know? Everyone complains about the cost of dentistry without, certainly in my case, investigating the price of their raw materials.

I dunno, maybe there’s a world shortage of filler material. Do we even really know what that filler stuff is? Might be moon rock for all I know.

When I was a boy, no trip to the dentist was complete without a filling. Having ‘just the one filling’ was a sign of good oral hygiene. The Seventies were a different time. Oral care advice from the dentist didn’t really go much beyond ‘may I suggest the application of a toothbrush and perhaps just the one Crunchie for breakfast?’

At one point as a child, I remember using a chocolate-flavoured toothpaste. I get that it was to encourage kids to use the paste, but clearly not a great way to wean them off the stuff that was causing the problems in the first place.

Thankfully, these days, dentists appear less cavalier in their attitude to fillings. They’re usually a last resort.

There does, however, seem to be a lot more form signing to be done. I had to add my signature to two documents just for a check up.

I was told to sign one document at reception. On the counter was a jar of pens, so I took one, anticipating the task ahead. The receptionist presented me with an electronic tablet to sign. ‘The pen won’t work on this,’ she said. ‘You have to use your finger.’

Isn’t our relationship with technology strange? We are in the thrall of hi-tech. Happily signing screens with our fingers, but do you think that signature would stand up in court? They have the technology, so wouldn’t they be better employed taking a photo of me?

I mean, that finger signature looks like a two-year-old did it. It’s one step up from potato printing. The intricate and elaborate signature I usually produce with a Biro, including the extravagant wavy line flourish at the end, purely for effect, disappears with the finger signature. I might as well have signed the dentist’s electronic document with a sausage.

‘We contest m’lud that my client never signed such a document. Look closely at that signature, and it is clearly closer to that of Roberto Carlos or perhaps Roberta Flack, but more significantly, bears an uncanny resemblance to the autograph of celebrity TV puppet Roland Rat, who we know was in the area at the time of the offence. We move to dismiss the case…’

Anyway, maybe the high price at the dentist is for the technology. After checking and polishing my teeth and advising a filling, the dentist asked if I wanted to rinse. ‘No thanks,’ I said. ‘I’m sure I’ll be rinsed at reception.’ And I was… to the tune of £150.