RICHARD ORD: Lockdown begs the question 'where is the muffin man?'

Signs on a window at Manchester Metropolitan University's Birley campus where hundreds of students have been told to self-isolate after 127 of them tested positive for coronavirus. Photo credit: Peter Byrne/PA Wire

“I think it must be the smoke,” I said, dabbing a hankie to my face, as he disappeared round the corner.

Actually, it was from the smoke. We were setting off celebratory fireworks into the sky. They spelt out ‘So long sucker’.

Despite the criticism being levelled at our nation’s students, I have been assured that our Bradley has been obeying social distancing rules while at college.

Well, certainly as far as lecturers go. He hasn’t been within 100 yards of a lecturer for the last two weeks.

It is the same story, I suspect, up and down the country. And presumably the whole point of being a student. Avoid lectures, drink alcohol, accumulate debt, get bailed out by your parents… and collect a bit of paper at the end of it which will never see the light of day again.

The last time I spoke to him, he had just landed home at 8 in the morning. ‘Was drink involved?’ I asked. “Yes, refreshments were served,” was his reply.

As is the tradition of student life today, he’s managed to mingle with enough COVID-19 superspreaders to end up in university lockdown.

It posed the first big challenge of his university life. “What message should I stick up against the window?”

If you’ve followed the national news lately, images of students’ halls of residence feature prominently, in particular, the many messages to the outside world stuck on the windows.

A few highlight some students’ particular needs in lockdown(“Send Beer” features prominently), many more simply take the mick.

After much deliberation, he went for “Do you know the Muffin Man?” Suitably surreal.

My suggestion was “Sad faces here”, just to help the newspaper photographers sent out to get just that.

His second challenge is food. Six housemates, one fridge, two weeks to survive. He said it’s like I’m a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here. “We’re living off rice and beans!”

Kangaroo testicles and bull’s eyeballs aren’t on the menu yet. When Boris secures that US trade deal then chlorinated chicken, testicles and pickled eyeballs will be the breakfast of champions before his university days have run their course. Then the muffin man really will be in demand...