RICHARD ORD: 50 Shades of DIY

Fifty Shades of Grey
Fifty Shades of Grey

I WAS kicked out of B&Q this week. All I asked for was a extra rough sandpaper, a welding mask and 30 foot of rubber hosepipe. The store manager said I was a “disgusting pervert” and asked me to leave.

It was only later that I realised why.

Apparently, staff at the popular DIY store have been sent a memo warning them to prepare for sensitive customer questions regarding rope, cable ties and duct tape following the release of the movie Fifty Shades of Grey!

The memo suggests staff will be inundated with customers looking for products that could be used in sexual role-play games, like those that appear in the risqué movie, and asking awkward questions regarding their suitability.

Personally, I always head for Wickes to spice up my love life. But, hey, each to his own.

After 130 years of marriage (it may be 131, I’ll check the diary), my wife gets far more satisfaction seeing me putting up a shelf than delivering her breakfast in bed, naked, with a rose between my teeth (for the record, that’s never happened. I’ve no idea how to put up a shelf).

According to the leaked B&Q memo, staff have been told to familiarise themselves with the contents of the Fifty Shades of Grey book.

I doubted the veracity of this whole story, until an internal memo was delivered to all staff working at this newspaper!

Like B&Q staff, we have been told to prepare for customers asking questions regarding the best use of this newspaper in the bedroom!

Spanking appears to be the biggest concern.

Our memo advises us to warn readers to remove some pages to make the rolled up newspaper “lighter and more sensual”.

This, of course, is dependent on the size of your partner’s backside.

For extra large bums, buy the Friday copy … it’s got more pages.

It is also advisable, says the memo, to wrap the paper in cling film.

This is to avoid leaving newspaper print on your partner’s derriere.

Particularly, it adds, if this column is on the outside. What could be more off-putting in the bedroom than my face appearing on your loved one’s backside? Although …

l As we went to press, it turns out the B&Q leaked memo was, in fact, a ruse just to get more publicity. The perpetrator of this breach of trust has been caught and thrashed.

Apparently they enjoyed every second of it.