RICHARD ORD: A Jermain Defoe-style personal assistant would be just the business

Jermain Defoe.
Jermain Defoe.

Wanted: Personal assistant for a little-known newspaper columnist and father of two. Must have good sense of humour, thick skin and limited financial expectations...

I had to break some difficult news to my son Isaac this week. Due to a miscalculation on his part, our 11-year-old thought he wasn’t due back to school for another eight days.

“No son,” I said. “You’re back to school on Wednesday. Tomorrow is the last day of your holidays.”

The word ‘crushed’ didn’t do the look on his face justice.

The adult equivalent, I suspect, is that feeling you get when you wake up all cosy and content on a Sunday morning only to realise, as the fog of sleep lifts, that it’s actually Monday morning, and you’re late for work.

Thankfully, his 14-year-old brother was on hand to help him deal with the trauma. He did it in the manner of all older brothers. It involved a lot of laughing, pointing … and a dance.

“Wahey,” he goaded. “You’re going back to school, ha, ha.”

To add insult to injury, our Bradley, being in the high school, wasn’t due to go back until the following day.

A fact that could only inflame the situation and, therefore, a fact that had to be bellowed loudly and repeated several times. Accompanied, naturally, by another dance.

“I think I’ll go past your school tomorrow,” he said, “and laugh at you through the fence.”

Fair to say he wasn’t helping the situation.

It’s at times like this that a Jermain Defoe-style personal assistant would be perfect.

You may have read about this recently.

The Sunderland footballer advertised for a personal assistant to, among other vital tasks, schedule his family’s social plans, check on his homes, and make sure his fridge is stocked and plants watered.

I’d have added ‘delivering bad news to kids and clearing up inevitable fall-out’ to that list.

Running your life as a business, though, is an interesting proposition.

Judging by the story (and the fact that he can hire a personal assistant for as much as £59,000-a-year), I suspect Defoe Enterprise Ltd is doing good business.

I’m not so sure Richard Ord Enterprise Ltd, is as attractive a proposition.

Being personal assistant to Richard Ord would not attract as high a salary, but then the demands would not be so taxing.

Defoe’s personal assistant, for example, had to “organise his wardrobe for special appearances, naming Oswald Boteng, Harrods and ZAP.”

Richard Ord Enterprises Ltd’s wardrobe organisation doesn’t stretch much further than George at Asda.

Still if the right candidate could be found ...

Alas, a quick check on Companies House records revealed that Richard Ord Enterprises Ltd had ceased trading in early 2000.

It was, like so many small one-man band concerns, swallowed up by that all-consuming multi-national conglomerate called Wife-Mart.