RICHARD ORD: Something to pacify the internet trolls...

Baby Richard
Baby Richard

Bit disappointed the David Beckham dummy debate seems to have died down. I thought that one would run and run.

There’s nothing gets the internet cogs whirring overtime more than the opportunity for a bit of celebrity bashing, particularly when their parenting skills are brought into question.

If you missed the story, here’s a brief recap.

The Beckhams’ four-year-old daughter was pictured with a dummy in her mouth.

Cue deluge of electronic bile and pontification hosed in the general direction of the celebrity couple via the usual social media channels. Most of it in capital letters, just to heighten the effect.

You sometimes feel the normal Qwerty keyboard can’t do the vitriol justice.

There should be a larger industrial-sized computer keyboard specifically for internet trolls so they can beat out their gripes.

The ‘clickety-click’ of your typical plastic keyboard and its delicate buttons is just too meek. A wrought iron keyboard the size of your average surfboard would be better. It could be fitted with lettered buttons, the dimensions of large dinner plates, and carved out of mahogany.

Instead of tapping out Twitter abuse, you could have the satisfaction of thumping it out with your fists.

If it’s a real fume-filled comment you’re looking to post, you could drum it out with a pair of custom-built ‘social media hammers.’ I’m thinking mallets wrapped in tin foil, with brightly coloured streamers attached to the handles.

Place your oversized computer keyboard in the front room bay window and let the world know you are trolling. It’d be good exercise too.

It could be marketed as the Bile-O-Tron, with the slogan “Troll your way to a better body.”

Anyway, I digress. I’ve sent the Bile-O-Tron exercise keyboard off to Apple. I’ll let you know how it gets on.

The Beckhams weren’t too happy to find their parenting skills questioned amid claims that sucking on a dummy at aged four is bad for the child’s teeth and speech. Beckham responded on social media saying that no one had the right to criticise him as a parent. He said: “Everybody who has children knows that when they aren’t feeling well or have a fever you do what comforts them best and most of the time it’s a pacifier.”

Maybe. In our house it’s money. With two boys aged 11 and 14, all pains are eased with the application of money to the palms. Works equally as well on the wife too.

Personally, I believe Beckham has a point, although the criticism wasn’t aimed at him. It was aimed at the people he employs to bring up his children.

Clare Byam-Cook, a parenting expert who criticised the Beckhams, would not let the matter go.

She said: “I still think aged four walking down the street that she should get her comfort from her father’s hand instead.” I don’t know. If Harper Beckham had been pictured sucking on her dad’s hand for comfort, now that would have had even me reaching for the Twitter trolling hammers.