RICHARD ORD: Why it’s time to buy shares in candle companies

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A week on from beginning to compile my list of 50 reasons to be cheerful at 50, I’ve bagged another.

It does not, of course, bode too well that 336 hours after turning 50, I’ve managed to come up with just three reasons to be cheerful, but, hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

So, to go alongside 1. At least you’re not 60, and 2. Fifty is, officially, the new 42, I have 3. We’re going to live a lot longer than the last generation.

At least, that’s the theory.

Trials start next year on a new anti-ageing drug, which scientists believe could see humans easily live in good health to 120 years old.

They’ve been testing a drug called metformin on animals with amazing results.

Worms force-fed metformin not only aged slower and stayed healthier longer but they did not develop wrinkles!

Wrinkle-free worms are not the stuff of dreams. They are happening now.

But the scientists reckon it’s not just worms who could be living the dream, we humans could reap the benefits.

According to researchers, if the same effects can be replicated in humans “a person in their 70s would be as healthy as the average 50-year-old.”

Great news, except if I’m the average 50-year-old, my physical state is nothing to shout about. If anything, it’s something to groan about.

That joke about my back going out more than I do, is no longer a joke.

But if this metformin drug really does work, it means us 50-year-olds are still a good 10 years off having our mid-life crisis.

I’m not sure I’ll still have enough hair to grow a ponytail, but I’m looking forward to the tattoo.

Having your children’s names tattooed on your body seems to be quite popular.

Well, your children’s names are easy to forget, aren’t they?

I’m lucky, my kids have different coloured hair. Bradley has brown hair. B for Brown, B for Bradley. That’s how I remember.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have such distinctive children.

Which is why the child’s name tattoo I suppose has proved so popular. When one of your offspring pops into view, a quick check of the forearm tattoo and Bob’s your uncle, or, in some cases, the name of your second son.

I assume the rise of the child name tattoo is people thinking ahead. They know that the older you get, the worse your memory becomes. Having your children’s names tattooed on your body acts as the perfect aide-memoir for later life.

Some go the whole hog and get the kid’s face tattooed on their body as well. Brilliant.

There’s nothing worse than losing your child in a crowd and asking people if they’ve seen them and then going through the time consuming rigmarole of describing them.

How much more effective it must be to just rip your shirt open and point at your chest tattoo. “That’s my boy, the one above my left nipple.”

What’s his name? (pulls down pants), “It’s there … left cheek. Third one down.”

When I hit my midlife crisis I’m getting children’s names tattooed all over my body.

But I’ll not use my own children’s names. I’ll make them up. I like the idea of keeping my wife on her toes.