Richard Ord: ‘Never give way to Audi drivers - or Jacob Rees-Mogg’

Road Mogg! Jacob Rees-Mogg making a spectacle of himself.
Road Mogg! Jacob Rees-Mogg making a spectacle of himself.

How soon before they introduce waterboarding or intense psycho analysis to the driving test to improve road safety?

Not soon enough, if my experience on the roads these days is anything to go by.

The current test is doing little to weed out the road rage psychopaths.

Heading to the shops this week I found myself crawling along a slip road onto an equally slow moving A-road.

As is the etiquette of this most common of situations, the cars on the main road let the slip road vehicles in, one at a time. Her

It was road rapport at its best as the traffic seamlessly merged in harmony... until they go to me.

The one -in rule did not apply to the white van driver to my right.

Despite the cars in front all allowing a vehicle in from the slip road, this driver wasn’t having it. I indicated to move in, but he revved his engine, rode his clutch and ensured he left nothing but a fag-paper’s width between he and the car in front.

I kept going. I travelled along the slip road, indicators flashing, to let him know I wanted to join the main road between his van and the car in front.

Cars ahead were let in, and cars behind were let in, but the van driver steadfastly refused to budge for me.

The slip road was running out, but the van driver continued to manoeuvre his vehicle, slowing down and speeding up, depending on my road positioning, to prevent me merging.

At this point I feel duty bound to report that I drive a plain white seven-year-old Vauxhall Corsa. Had I been burning up the road in an Audi convertible, in mirrored shades with some Kanye West thumping out the speakers, the van driver would have been well within his rights to refuse me entry.

The one-in rule doesn’t apply to Audi drivers.

Don’t blame me, it’s in the small print of the Highway Code. “Never give way to Audi drivers,” it says.

A tough rule, I know, but Audi drivers have never complained. Not because they agree with the rule, it’s just they’ve never seen it. And that’s because, clearly, they have never read the Highway Code.

The van driver still wasn’t letting me in. It could have been because of my looks. I wear glasses. Wearing glasses is not normally a cause for discrimination, but after seeing the bespectaled mug of Jacob Rees-Mogg dominating the TV screens of late, I’m thinking of switching to contacts.

Audi-driving Rees-Mogg lookalikes I suspect are fair game. You can do what you like with them and there isn’t a jury in the land that would convict you. Anyway, the van driver didn’t let me in. I had to join the main road behind him. I overtook the van three minutes later and gave the driver a cheery wave as I left him trailing in my wake. I’m not one to hold grudges, and always prepared give second chances.

Two chances ... which I indicated to him in that cheery wave with my fingers.