Why we need to forget Brexit and move on to Deathxit

You know what we really need to mend this fractured nation of ours? A second referendum.

Wednesday, 1st August 2018, 1:33 pm
Updated Wednesday, 1st August 2018, 1:43 pm
Death to the bylaw breachers.

The first one, as far as I can see, really got people talking - and we all know how good it is to talk (especially if, during the 90s, you were Bob Hoskins or his bank manager), so why not have another?

And before you reach for your thesaurus to pepper your abusive Facebook retort with more colourful ways of calling me a mutton-headed old mugwump, hear me out.

It doesn’t have to be a referendum on whether we should leave the European Union, I was thinking of something far less problematical and controversial. Let’s have a referendum on the death penalty.

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What could be simpler?

Should we bring back the death penalty?

I can see how it would pan out... and I’m convinced the distraction of a few weeks debate on the pros and cons of terminating the life of someone who, with a pretty high degree of probability, deserves to die would unite the nation in much the same way as Brexit has done.

It could start with some wag hiring a bus (matt black rather than red) and saying “We pay £650,000 million a year to house a single convict. Let’s fund our NHS instead.”

The result of a referendum on the death penalty is unlikely to be as close run as the EU referendum.

The Terminators would win hands down. For one, they have the cooler name. Those who are in favour of the death penalty would be dubbed The Terminators by esteemed and fair-minded news organisations like the Daily Mail. Those against the death penalty would be dubbed The Lily-Livered Criminal Lovers.

The problems would arise after the vote was won.

You’d then be split into your Hard Terminators and Soft Terminators.

At one end you’d have the Hardies demanding the death penalty for shoplifting and parking on double yellows.

“We voted the bring back the death penalty, so let’s use it for all crimes and minor breaches of council bylaws. Death means death.”

Some will probably push to have the death penalty brought in to decide football games after 90 mins and extra time fail to get a result.

The Softies (as the Daily Mail et al would call them) would be condemned for suggesting the death penalty is only used for those who commit the most heinous of crimes, like mass murderers or war criminals. Fricking snowflakes!

Most polls over the years have shown that the reintroduction of the death penalty would be welcome. Which is why, I guess, there hasn’t been a referendum on the issue. Don’t let a fickle ill-informed blood-lusting public decide such a morally complex issue with a cross in a box on a Thursday. What do you reckon? A good talker!

Bring it on, and bring it back, I say. The death penalty is the ultimate deterrent.

They do it in America and there hasn’t been a murder there in years - honestly, I read it on the side of bus.