Alternative 5 things we learned from Man United v Newcastle

Daley Blind has a shot for Manchester United against Newcastle in today's 0-0 draw
Daley Blind has a shot for Manchester United against Newcastle in today's 0-0 draw

The list to end all lists. Here’s a different take of what we discovered from the goalless draw between Newcastle and Manchester United today.

1. Give me a Mitro

As rascal haircuts go, Aleksandar Mitrovic’s is right up there. I can’t see Wayne’s Barbers in Whickham being inundated with kids wanting a Mitro ‘do before they go back to school. He looked like Forrest Gump gone mental. Not that I’d tell him to his face, obviously.

2. Did Michael Owen have his own seat

BT Sport don’t mind doing things, ahem, differently. It seemed a bit crowded in the commentary box with former Newcastle fan favourite Michael Owen, Glenn Hoddle, Howard Webb and anyone else they could squeeze in there. Paddy Power tweeted that little Micky was probably sat on Hoddle’s knee. Try getting that thought out of your minds!

3. Make mine a mince and onion, Luke

Luke Shaw has had his weight problems in the past, as Louis van Gaal told the world last season. So it was a bit harsh of Florian Thauvin to send him to the pie shop with his first touch in English football.

4. Keep fit with Big Mac

Rumours are that Steve McClaren is bringing out a fitness DVD at Christmas. It involves lots of step work - usually you start high up in the stands at a football stadium, then run down a flight of stairs after 20 minutes, run back up, then back down again before finally hopping from one foot to another for 45 minutes. Best seller.

5. Go on, prove me wrong

I spent two hours this week carefully constructing a column about whether Fabricio Coloccini deserved a place in the Newcastle defence. Turns out he did. For next week’s piece I’ll be writing how Mike Ashley definitely won’t be selling up and querying why Kylie Minogue never turns up on doorstep in just a thong on my days off.