Miracles and mad dogs: The alternative 5 things we learned from Newcastle’s game against Southampton

Fans at St James's Park.
Fans at St James's Park.

Mad Dog, a James Bond audition and a modern-day miracle. Check out some different stuff we learned from Newcastle’s draw with Southampton.

1. The name’s Mbemba. Chancel Mbemba

Aleksandar Mitrovic and Matt Target

Aleksandar Mitrovic and Matt Target

Ever seen a player turn up to a game in a tuxedo?

Chancel Mbemba got the dress code spectacularly wrong, rocking up at St James’s Park in his best dinner suit. Either that, or he’d just stumbled out of Aspers casino!

It looked like he was auditioning to replace Daniel Craig as James Bond. And Mbemba soon came up against his own nemesis in Graziano Pelle, a Jaws lookalike without the metal teeth.

Pelle got the better of him for Saints’ opener but after that Mbemeba was immense. His header with seconds left was match-saving.

A tuxedo royale effort, Chancel.

2. The miracle of Coloccini

Out all summer with an Achilles injury that saw him able to train but not play, somehow Fabricio Coloccini not only managed to start, but also play the full 90 minutes.

Rumours that lepers, the sick and blind are now forming a queue outside of Benton Park in the hope of having the healing hands of Derek Wright and the Newcastle medical team laid upon them can’t be confirmed just yet.

But it was truly wonderous.

Cynics may suggest that Captain Colo was actually just stringing Steve McClaren along in pre-season until his new contract was sorted.

But don’t listen to them, Fabricio. Like Errol Brown, I believe in miracles, you sexy thing.

3. A little more action please. Or just music

I like Elvis. I’ve even visited Graceland with the missus. It was part of a deal including getting her a Dyson and Sky Movies package that I had to agree to before she would provide me with a son.

I’m not so fond of having the first 10 seconds of A Little Less Conversation played over and over and over and over again, however.

Never have I been so glad to hear the dulcet tones of Justin Lockwood.

4. Cheik out Tiote’s birth certificate

I played in a game of Over-35s against Over-40s on Saturday.

Both midfields had more mobility than Cheik Tiote.

Forget the furore (great word by the way) about Chancel Mbemba’s age, what about the Ivorian? I know he’s been out of action for a few months but his 25-minute cameo put me in mind of Geremi.

Or Kevin Dillon.

5. Fans are going to love Mad Dog Mitrovic

To coin a Geordie phrase, the kid’s a radge packet.

He came with a reputation for being a bit ‘touched’ and three seconds into his debut he’s flattened Matt Target and picked up a booking.

It could have been red, admitted Steve McClaren, but the Newcastle boss was actually to blame.

Apparently his last words to striker Mitrovic before he went on were: “Hit the target.”

I’ll get my coat...