JON Snow was stoned on marijuana in front of millions on Tuesday night.
Completely off his chops and in dire need of a hug, the poor bloke.
In fact you wonder why Channel 4 didn’t just put Krishnan in charge of the 7pm news in the first place.
No, not really. At least not the news thing.
For he truly was clobbered in the name of research for Drugs Live: Cannabis On Trial.
The second instalment of a desperate-to-be-controversial beast that had Snow clawing around to justify why he took hash and the stronger skunk for the two-year clinical trial: “I didn’t feel I could anchor a programme like this without doing it.”
Odd, then, that he felt he could anchor C4’s Drugs Live: The Ecstasy Trial in 2012 without touching the stuff.
This time, though, Snow was trumpeting “a series of world firsts”, like the earth-shattering finding that dope can leave users wanting a bit of a rest.
And his announcement: “We now know why music can sound more pleasurable when you’re stoned.”
Thank you, science. It was worth postponing the battle against ebola.
The irrelevance was lost on them.
As was the very obvious problem in Christian Jessen inviting viewers’ tales of memory loss from cannabis, and the overwhelming pro-legalisation bias that gave only fleeting airtime to those against. (Well, they’d booked Richard Branson, you see.)
The most relevant finding, that skunk is far more dangerous to mental health than hash, came from an entirely different study.
Of much greater importance to this show was the fact it was live, C4’s favourite hobby whether it’s foxes rifling through bins or the International Space Station orbiting Earth.
Drugs Live, sadly, was duller than vet Mark Evans spending two hours staring at eggs not hatching in a box on Easter Eggs: Live.
All the talking points, like Jennie Bond on weed, were recorded weeks ago.
Yes, “TV presenter doctor” Chris Van Tulleken took what was probably hash in the studio (we never found out for sure) but it wasn’t half as astonishing as Snow’s living hell.
For all that, live TV as ever served up a couple of gems, like a heavy metal fan telling Jessen: “A lot of my favourite music is doom and that came from Sabbath’s vibe on cannabis.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
And the viewers’ Twitter ticker: “So the lesson we should all take from Jon Snow on skunk — NEVER have an MRI scan while stoned. Those things are SCARY.”
Almost as scary as him naming as many cannabis-related words in one minute: “Frightened… hospital… psychiatric unit… knife…”
Worst Generation Game conveyor belt prize round ever.
But didn’t he do well?
THIS week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes…
• The Harry Styles/older women running gag on ITV’s charming Off Their Rockers.
• Lennie James on Sky1’s Critical.
• Narrator and Romany gypsy Alex Fechete Petru’s story on C4’s prejudice-whipping The Romanians Are Coming.
• Let’s Play Darts For Comic Relief with Tim “The Punaway Train” Vine’s first two perfect treble 20s, the cameraman losing track of Sean Lock’s arrows which the US Air Force is now developing as stealth weapons and Tony Green on Lee Mack taking it so seriously: “No joking matter.” (Well he did do Not Going Out.)
• And Duncan Bannatyne admitting a John Barrowman man-crush on Big Star’s Little Star. Brings new meaning to “I’m out”.
THE One Show guest Terry Wogan discussing his 80s talk show: “Elton John was my first guest. I come on, trip over and it’s the mercy of God I didn’t bury my teeth in the back of his neck or a great talent would have been lost forever.”
Yes, but have some thought for Elton too, Tel.
DISASTER over at 10,000BC as the only contestant treating the Stone Age experiment in the right hunter-gatherer spirit, Paul Barnes, was kicked out for alleged wandering hands in the yurt’s communal bed.
A decision C5 spinelessly left to the camp.
It leaves wastrel JP, who’s letting Mel do all the log-lumping and through-the-night fire-stoking, as the only functioning male left going into tomorrow night’s climax.
“I don’t feel guilty,” he said. “For a month I was getting wood on my own every day.”
Yeah, that might have been what got Paul into trouble too.
(Mr) Bean Done Before.
JOE Swash’s boy Harry on Big Star’s Little Star’s Guess The Word round: “Their skin is as smooth as a baby’s butt. They don’t have any ears, but they sense what you’re saying.
“They eat things by getting it in their teeth and dragging it. If you see one, your impression would be like… (runs, hides and curls up). My dad would be like this if he saw one: ‘AARGH!’”
The cast of Towie?
THE Romanians Are Coming narrator Alex Fechete Petru: “Every person has a different dream when they start life in a new country.
“Cosmin wants to drink pints of beer and kiss the ladies of Southampton.”
Ah, so he’s not been before, then.
THIS week’s Legal Disclaimer of the Week award goes to…
Drugs Live’s Christian Jessen showing off the studio’s cannabis farm: “Here is Dr Adam Winstock. Now he’s not actually a skunk farmer, we should point out. He’s an addiction psychiatrist.”
ROXY Mitchell was flicking through the TV channels on Friday’s EastEnders: “Right. Let’s see what’s on.”
Charlie: “There’s nothing on.”
At 8pm on a Friday? Not on BBC1 there’s not.
THIS week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates…
• Martin Clunes’ Arthur & George “Edinburgh” accent taking the high road, low road and every other road between Inverness and Dumfries.
• ITV claiming C4 80s music show The Tube as its own because it hasn’t got enough archive material from the vaults for Pop Gold. (Prepare to be plundered to within an inch of your life, CD:UK.)
• Joe Swash’s son Harry failing to read my mind when Big Star’s Little Star host Stephen Mulhern asked: “How would you describe your dad in three words.”
• And the nightmarish mental image of EastEnders’ Big Mo shaving her legs on a promise from Fat Elvis. I’ll just leave that with you.