Richard Ord goes face first into a plate of IKEA meatballs

Well, at least I wouldn’t suit an oversized black plastic handlebar moustache like the one that had been stuck on the IKEA toilet mirror.

Each mirror above the row of sinks in the Swedish store’s toilets had a different moustache strategically placed to give the viewer a reasonable idea of what they looked like with whiskers.

There was no explanation, but I assumed the addition of mirror moustaches was to cheer people up. Raise a smile.

I appreciate IKEA’s efforts but if I want to smile, looking in the mirror doesn’t do it. Now, if I want to weep uncontrollably...

The moustache stunt may well have been a promotional thing. If any furniture store was going to muscle its way into the self-assembly facial hair market, my money would be on IKEA.

But after wending my merry way through the entire store, the only facial hair I found was in my plate of IKEA meatballs. Before you recoil in horror at the thought of the legendary IKEA dish being spoiled by a stray alien hair landing in the lingenberry sauce, I have to report that the facial hair was mine … and it was closely followed by my face. I don’t know about you, but picking up a knife and fork to eat those delicious meatballs only delays the enjoyment. Go face-first, I say. It’s so much quicker and saves on cutlery washing. Admittedly, the odd meatball flying off the plate as you face dive into the dish may well result in an increase in floor washing, but my advice would be to hone your meatball eating skills at home. Ping pong balls on a frisbee is how I do it. But I digress…

I did notice that the fake moustaches were in place on all bar one mirror in the gents’ toilets.

Why? I suspect a meeting was held in the IKEA boardroom about the moustache idea and, despite most thinking it would be fun, there was one person who argued that not everyone has a sense of humour. A misery mirror would therefore have to be kept clear.

Either that, or someone thought: ‘Hey, I look good with a goatee,’ and pulled the plastic goatee off the mirror and stuck it on their face.

Let me know if you spot them in the street.

Wait a minute, have you seen Laurence Llewelyen-Bowen recently?

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