Richard Ord: Talking Bull in more ways than one...

Energy drinks? Can it.
Energy drinks? Can it.

Government moves to ban the sale of caffeine-rich sugar-stuffed energy drinks may have far reaching effects for the nation’s economic wellbeing.

Not because of a drop in the sales of Blue Cow adrenaline juices (or whatever they’re called) but the strangling at source of our greatest modern export ... the vapid reality TV star.

The UK’s wastrels, with their unwarranted sense of entitlement, eroded social norms and culture of rights without responsibilities has been fuelled, in recent years, by a diet of additives and brain rotting fizzy beverages, providing the perfect breeding ground for the production of swivel-eyed publicity-seeking loons (commonly referred to as ‘reality TV stars’).

And no other nation (bar perhaps America) can boast such a ready supply of shrieking harridans and self-important telly twonks.

Or maybe I’m just being cynical. Perhaps it’s just coincidence.

That steady stream of ignorant bile spouters polluting our TV screens may have nothing to do with the liquid gunk they’ve been gorging themselves on for decades ... we have, perhaps, just been lucky!

But is it worth the risk?

Certainly I do have sympathy with the maker of these energy drinks.

Clearly they produced them to aid the wellbeing of society, only to have them hijacked by idiots and booze industry money men.

Energy drinks were, I am reliably informed, promoted for use within charitable and humanitarian organisations.

They were meant to give missionary workers and international aid agency staff a bit of lift when the going got tough in third world hellholes.

It’s the reason for the ‘Red Bull gives you wings’ slogan.

There was an angelic, heavenly purpose to these syrupy mouth swills.

But, instead of being sipped by Sudanese well diggers needing an energy boost, they’re being glugged with vodka by binge drinking social misfits to prolong their alcoholic mayhem into the early hours or being swigged by feral children to fuel round-the-clock video gameplay.

The makers of these energy drinks must despair.

The Government wants to ban these drinks to the under 18s because of the health risks.

Instead of ‘giving you wings,’ these energy drinks can ‘give you over-stimulated offspring and the chance of type one diabetes!’ Doesn’t have the same ring to it and not really an enticing sales pitch.

But banning them is a risky move.

Just as a I firmly believe tougher dog fouling laws meant the loss of poo dodging footwork among the young and, as such, less agile England footballers, so the banning of sugar filled caffeine loaded pop for our children has the potential of reducing the number of hyperactive attention-seeking morons on reality TV, for which we are, as a nation, world famous.

You have been warned.