'Queen Vic regular The Grim Reaper ordered his usual... and EastEnders duly obliged'

The Grim Reaper has been a regular at the Queen Vic for 40 years now.

What with Elon Musk wielding a chainsaw and AI further digging its digital claws into society, what a joy it was to be able to turn on the TV and enjoy some wholesome family death and destruction instead.

EastEnders at 40 was celebrated this week with a live episode broadcast to the nation. The last time I tuned into the show was when they ‘went live’ to celebrate 25 years of shouting cockneys. I did it purely in the hope of unscripted catastrophe.

And the actors duly obliged. We had a moving corpse, fluffed lines and even an awkward vomit. But my favourite of the bloopers was when character Bradley Branning plummeted to his death in front of his wife Stacey who let out the heart-rending cry of ‘Charlie’ shouting out the actor’s name instead of the character’s. Oops!

Fifteen years on, had anything changed? Not a bit. The writers clearly feel that what an audience browbeaten by real life war in Ukraine, culture wars on home soil and depressing noises from political clowns in the US, really needs is… more death.

I had read that the show’s producers had briefed the media to assure the public that at least one main character would die. So 15 years later and we are given an evening of ‘guess the victim’ as various EastEnders stars trapped in an exploding pub try to evade the Grim Reaper. More game of tag with Dr Death than gripping storyline.

Sonia collapses lifeless after giving birth, only to spring back to life just in time to rescue her equally lifeless newborn. Two near misses for the EastEnders' Reaper, but on the third attempt, luck finally ran out for Martin Fowler. Well, he was the easiest to catch given he was pinned to the ground by a giant collapsed girder.

Once again, the character of Stacey was on hand to oversee another TV death and this time she got his name right. The redemption arc was complete.

An hour of anguished cockney screams, near-death encounters and a fatal cardiac arrest in the grimy ruins of an EastEnders’ boozer and it was all over. That, folks, is what passes as entertainment today.

To unwind I tuned into a lighthearted rom-com. You know, one of those hilarious unlikely love triangles that ends up in calamity. Yes, I tuned into the news to watch lovebirds Donald Trump, Musk and Vladimir Putin lead us all on a not-so-merry dance.

If only the writers of that story could promise the early exit of its main characters.