RICHARD ORD: Get 'em sucking on Stilton to end this vape nightmare

​As we didn’t have enough to worry about, Elon Musk is putting microchips in people’s brains.
Make these vapes stink of cheese and you may curb their use. Only saying.Make these vapes stink of cheese and you may curb their use. Only saying.
Make these vapes stink of cheese and you may curb their use. Only saying.

​Of course, the gazillionaire and his supporters have been quick to dispel thoughts that electrifying people’s noggins and linking them to computer systems is in any way a cause for concern.

The Neuralink device will, we’re told, enable limbless people to interact with their computer and other tech devices. “A monkey has been able to control a computer with its brain” a breathless Musk informed the world when first testing the new device. Tell us something we don’t know. Have you read Twitter, currently known as X, lately? The touch of irate primates is all pervading if you ask me.

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Musk defenders insist he’s a force for good and that the device will enable people with ‘unmet medical needs’ today ‘unlock human potential tomorrow.’ Sound idyllic.

Presumably the brain device will enable users to remotely control other popular Musk devices for the good of humanity. Stuff like his electric cars, drilling machines and, erm, his personal flamethrowers. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

At home, our Prime Minister has bigger fish to fry. He’s declared war on another electronic device being stuck in the heads of humans… vapes!

The real problem Rishi faces, however, is all about cool. Vaping not only sounds cool, but the devices look fun. The satirical online magazine The Onion once described vape users as looking like ‘bounty hunters from the future.’

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It went on: ‘Sources told reporters that the man, who inhaled deeply on the mechanized smoking apparatus, causing the tip to glow a bright cobalt hue, probably travelled back in time to track down a deadly fugitive hiding in the early 21st century or something.’

Rishi is pushing through legislation to ban the sale of disposable vapes, but I think he needs to go further to kill the cool. Personally, I think he needs to ban the bright vape colours, lose the exotic flavours and attach a kazoo to every device.

If all vapes were billowing cheese-flavoured plumes of smoke (a pungent mature blue Stilton perhaps), came in hearing aid brown and sounded like an asthmatic jazz band when inhaled, the vape issue would be solved at a stroke. What do you reckon?