RICHARD ORD: Try Polar Explorers 'R’ Us for all your home-working needs

In a bid to reduce heating bills I started using an electric fan heater to keep the working day chills at bay … turns out it’d be cheaper to burn £20 notes.

This winter's home-worker fashion...
This winter's home-worker fashion...

At least it would be, if it wasn’t for the fact that the only £20 notes that would burn effectively (the paper ones) are, as of last week, now no longer legal tender.

With the fan heater gobbling energy as the cost of living crisis deepens, it’s time to reconsider working from home issues as winter looms.

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Where once I may have been eyeing up designer ties or suits (Next is designer right?) for office attire, now as a home worker I’ll be taking my inspiration from Ranulph Fiennes. Polar Explorers ‘R’ Us is now the first port of call for home workwear.

When the extent of your working movement is plink plonking away on a keyboard, cold sets in pretty quickly. Fingerless gloves and some sort of hat may be in order. A wooly beanie is the obvious headwear, but since my desk is at the front window overlooking the street I can be seen by everyone passing. And I don’t want to look silly.

It’s why I don’t wear a balaclava. I’d look like a burglar trying to hack into a bank account and I don’t want the police breaking down my door. Instead, I’m considering a deerstalker. Throw in a pipe and the Sherlock Holmes vibe could reassure, rather than concern, passers by.

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I may also swap my choccie biscuits for Kendal Mint Cake, the staple of all Arctic explorers.

As the temperature plummets, a heavier duty keyboard is needed. Tip tapping on a plastic keyboard doesn’t work up a sweat. I’m thinking of inventing a range of oversized industrial keyboards, forged from iron. Instead of touch typing, you keep warm (and fit) by hammering away on the reinforced spring loaded keys with two hand held mallets. The patent’s in the post. Coming to a Curry’s near you soon.

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Until then, I’m following the two-point government guidelines for a cheaper and warmer winter. Point One: Turning down your thermostat by one degree will save you 10% in heating bills.

And since that’ll make your home a bit colder, the Tory government’s Point Two for homeworker comfort, is to slice open a cow, remove its innards, and work inside the freshly gutted carcass to keep warm. Thanks Liz…