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Richard Ord: End of the world at the end of the news

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When the going gets tough and life throws some curve balls my way, I take solace in the knowledge that the end of the world is just around the corner.

What do you mean you haven’t heard of the Earth’s impending doom?

It was a story on Britain’s biggest news website and quoted a leading scientist who feared tests taking place at the Large Hadron Collider could have catastrophic results for the planet.

To be fair, you may have missed it because the news website displays the stories in order of importance to its readers.

The end of the world story didn’t even make the top 10.

Forget the destruction of the planet, a woman at the Ryder Cup getting a golf ball in the eye was the biggest story of the day.

Earth being pummelled into oblivion courtesy of gung-ho scientists was deemed newsworthy, though not as newsworthy as Love Island’s Dani hinting that she’s engaged to Jack. (I know, I was shocked too).

By the end of the day Boris Johnson’s demands that Theresa May ‘chuck Chequers’ trumped all.

The PM, however, insists she can strike a deal with the EU which will see the UK regain control of its borders.

All that, however, will be redundant should the Large Hadron Collider fears be realised. For the record (in case you didn’t read beyond Gogglebox star Amy Tapper quitting the Channel 4 show), a noted professor has claimed particle accelerators like the Cern Large Hadron Collider could result in an accidental black hole swallowing up the world or, rather strangely, the Earth being crushed into a ‘hyperdense sphere’ measuring 330ft across. If that happens, we can probably put EU border controls on the back burner.

Accommodating Earth’s 7billion inhabitants on a planet measuring the length of two football pitches will be the new burning issue, after Holly Willoughby’s boozy backstage interview at the Baftas, naturally.

Astronomical figures and planetary catastrophes sprang to mind when I took my water meter reading this week.

Having taken the prudent step of having a water meter installed to control my household expenditure, I smugly jogged down the stairs and into the utility room to take my first reading.

While the other tenants in my block of flats have dusty old analogue water meters, my newly installed measuring device was a neat flip-top digital display.

Like Theresa May, I was ‘taking control’ or whatever her latest meaningless mantra is this week, I forget.

The reading was a dizzying 520,000 cubic metres in about a month. I had used 114million gallons of water! I know my boys like long showers but this was ridiculous.

My world had been turned upside down ... until I looked closer. It hadn’t, the meter had been installed upside down! I’d used 25 cubic metres. Phew. What a relief.

Thank goodness for shoddy British workmanship.