RICHARD ORD: Turn your frown upside down and vote!

Like most bad Kerplunk players, the Tories appear to be losing their marbles.

It is a well documented fact that it takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Which means, if you want a full face workout, be a miserable sod.

I assume that’s the point people are making when they tell you that interesting observation on facial movements.

An article I read earlier this week also pointed out that doing housework can burn up as many as 200 calories. It’s something I point out to my current life partner whenever I see her start to do the housework.

‘Keep up the good work,’ I tell her, ‘It’ll help you lose that muffin top.’

She’s not happy. ‘You could help,’ she’ll say. And I do. I cheer her on every step of the way.

Not only does it spur her on, but it does me good too. More good in fact.

It’s an irrefutable scientific fact (which I gleaned from a three-minute Google hunt) that football fans burn up as many as 350 calories while watching a match.

Which is why I display enthusiastic support whenever I see a vacuum cleaner being wheeled out. Jumping up and down on the settee, vigorously clapping every sweep of the carpet and, on occasions, bursting into football-style chanting. ‘Go back, I think you’ve missed a bit. Go back, I think you’ve missed a bit.’

Well, you’ve got to do your bit, haven’t you?

Tory defence secretary Grant Shapps made a point of getting people’s frown biceps curling this week with a withered (rather than withering) attack on Labour’s Sir Keir Starmer.

After hearing Starmer say that he makes time for his children after 6pm on a Friday night, Shapps pointed out that most ‘military interventions’ happen at night, adding: ‘Defending Britain’s security isn’t a daylight hours only job.’

He may be right, but it’s hardly a gotcha moment. I mean, to suggest Starmer would, in the event of war being declared at five past six on a Friday, rather be playing Kerplunk with his kids than directing a military response is, to reference another classic Seventies children’s game, raving bonkers.

Like many in the desperate Tory party this week, Shapps gives the impression of being a very poor Kerplunk player. IE. He appears to have lost all his marbles.

Anyway, make sure you get out to vote this week.

It burns up about 30 calories, gets you some fresh air (rather than politicians hot air we’ve all been inhaling) and, who knows, on Friday your frown-fatigued face may gets some rest with a well-earned smile.